Life with Postpartum Depression

May was recently announced as National Maternal Awareness month and I've been deciding on whether I wanted to write anything about it. I feel as people get annoyed that I still bring it up, but after spending some time praying and being inspired by a friend Kayla on Facebook, I decided to go for it. My journey with PPD/PPA completely altered my life in ways I never expected it too. Heck it still affects my life today even though I'm not in the thick of it anymore.

My Symptoms

I wanted to put this outside of the section below so I could talk in a little detail about it. This handy chart below is a good things to look at, if you think you might have postpartum depression or anxiety.

These are all of my symptoms:

• Sleep disturbance
• Chronic exhaustion and hyperactivity
• Crying
• Feeling guilty and inadequate
• Irritability (with or without cause)
• Anxiety (this came much later for me)
• Loss of interest in sex
• Loss of confidence and self-esteem

Until I knew more about PPD/PPA I had no clue that most of these symptoms where included. Some of these symptoms can be so normal after becoming a mother that I think a lot of people don't realize it could be something more. Most of my symptoms where magnified because of not sleeping and being exhausted. If you think your suffering, take a long hard look at the symptoms above and see if they are outside of the normal side of becoming a parent. Even dads can have PPD/PPA, which I didn't know until more recently.

My Story

After giving birth to my son and second child T in November of 2015, I really thought things were going fine. I had another super easy birth, recovery was much easier this time around, and I was juggling a newborn and toddler much better then I thought. Christmas came and went as did the New Year. I felt like, "wow, this two kid is pretty easy!" That really should have been my first clue that life was not going to be easy, but it took close to 4 months postpartum for me to think maybe something else is wrong.

T slept pretty great for the first 6 weekish and then it all went to hell. After that he was up and down all night, screaming and nothing, but nursing would help calm him down. I assumed that meant he wasn't get enough to eat and was fine with it. After about a week or two of this, I decided to try pumping so he could have more. Of course, T didn't want to take any of the bottles we tried so back to nursing we went.

After a good three months of little to no sleep I was exhausted. In between that time I cut dairy again thinking that could help the gas keeping him awake. Sadly that only helped a little, but not much. I was exhausted and felt awful. I really just thought if I could catch on my sleep and have my husband take a few nights, I would be better. That didn't work as T flipped out more and louder if I wasn't the one taking care of him.

One night in April or May, I can't remember for sure, I sorta just lost it. I felt myself losing control and I yelled at my five or six month old baby. I just kept yelling at him until I noticed he stopped crying and was just staring at me then I bawl while rocking him to sleep and apologizing. That night was a big "a-ha" moment for me. I had many nights like that before my husband told me one night to go to the doctors because I needed help.

After a few more nights I called my primary care doctor to see where go. That was the hardest thing I've ever done. I have tried all my life to fight off any depressive thoughts and this was something I couldn't fight off. Mostly I was terrified I was going to become the kind of mother I had growing up. 

Disclaimer: This statement is not a dis to my mother.  I had lots of great memories growing up, but my siblings and I also dealt with some not so happy memories too. My mother was also a very hands off parent and that was something I didn't like growing up. I say this statement because its my truth and I refuse to sugar coat things in my life.

I had pretty much turned into someone who yelled constantly and hated everything as well as everyone around her. I also started distancing myself from people because all their happy go lucky journey of parenthood that I heard and saw started to piss me off. When I did see people I always tried to be upbeat and positive. I did mention I wasn't sleeping, but never brought anything else up because I was feeling ashamed.

After meeting with my doctor and opting for therapy first I was referred to someone. After meeting with him a few times, I realized I didn't really care for the way he practiced therapy. After a few weeks his office referred to someone else who I loved. She was only a counselor, but I just felt she got me and didn't patronize me. She also helped me try to come up with real solutions that could work. Maybe I liked her because she was a mom and wife too. I don't know why it worked it just did.

During the period I saw her, I felt better, a little happier, but overall I just kept feeling like I couldn't shake it. I kept thinking this is never going to end and I am never going to feel better. Sadly after a few months with my counselor she ended up moving and I had to start the process of finding someone all over again.

Luckily finding a new person didn't take long as a recommendation from a friend was the perfect fit. Even though he was a guy, he never patronized me and never made me feel like I couldn't handle anything thrown my way. He also understood where I was coming from more then I thought he would.

Therapy and my friends really helped me get on top of my PPD/PPA. Simply having people check on me was helpful, but being busy and not being stuck home almost always makes me have a better day. Working out helps keep my symptoms at bay and makes everyone in the house happier. I found when we are at home my children especially T get really bored and mischievous. It's been about a year now since my journey with PPD/PPA and while I wouldn't say I am cured, things are much better. Mostly I am bothered by anxiety more now especially when T gets into his screaming fits. They are rare, but when they happen they send me on edge. The other downside to all of this is that I basically can't sleep any longer, which sucks on nights T decides to sleep. 

I've been told this can be a long battle and I would agree with that statement. I can be fine for weeks then all of a sudden something will set everything off. It can be the smallest things in the world as well as something huge. I really have to work hard at making myself a priority so I can keep my symptoms in check. Having adequate "me time" was a suggestion from the counselor I saw and I didn't really take that seriously until the last few months. I am extremely glad that I decided to run a half marathon because that gave me at least one day a week where I didn't have the kids and could just focus on me. Mostly I am glad my husband pushed me out the door for wine night at Whole Foods for most of February/March. He also encourages me to go out with my friends, go out by myself, and most of all workout. 

My advice to anyone suffer or thinking they might be please go talk to your doctor. I know this is easier then said, but it really is a must do. Do not feel ashamed or weak when asking for help. It is completely fine to not be able to handle parts of motherhood. Motherhood is not a walk in the park like it can seem. It is by far the toughest thing I've did and has completely changed my life in different ways both times. 

If you have a partner, friend, heck even an acquaintance that you think is suffering for PPD or PPA please help them get help. Sometimes we can't see it ourselves and need that insight to get help. 

Resources

I don't have a ton of resources, but I am an avid reader and a friend recommended a few books to me that may help others. 

• When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron

This is very much a more spiritual book and I found it difficult to read, but a lot of the reviews are wonderful.

• Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun and Be Your Best Person by Shonda Rhimes

It took me awhile to get into this book, but I like her overall message about finding yourself, what you like, and trying new things. This was something I have struggled with after fighting the bad part of PPD. I was inspired by this book so I made this year my year of trying new things in honor of my 30th birthday.

• From Grouchy to Great: Finding Joy in The Journey of Motherhood by Ruth Schwenk

I can totally talk and rave about this book for days. This was one of those "a-ha" moment books for me. I laugh, cried, and most important found God again through this book. The book is 28 short stories with discussion questions after that have to do with the Bible and God so be forewarned, but you could always skip those and just enjoy the stories from other mothers who have felt how you have.

There is another book recommended to me and I cannot remember the name of it. It was a huge book written by a doctor that had a lot of medical information that I didn't even make it through. It was just way too much for me. 

This is hard season of life to be in, but remember that it's not forever. It may seem like it, but things will change and you will be okay again. It just takes time to heal and get through the tough parts. Make sure to lean on those around you and ask for help if you need it.