I'm Tired. Anyone else?

Today has been hard. Just hard. I'm exhausted and just need a normal routine down, but that doesn't seem possibly anytime soon. This is frustrating and heart-breaking all at the same time. I'm trying to be strong for my kids, but they are exhausting and just too much for me right now. I need them to go to regular in person school so I can have a break. Just a small break to recharge and have quiet for once in the last 6 months. I'm not the kind of mom cut out to be with her kids 24-7 or really anyone at all. I need space and just some time for me to breathe. The gym use to give me that, but lately it's just been so stressful even getting there that I'm not enjoying it as much. It's not filling my tank like it use too. It's making me sad that it can't seem to fill my tank. No amount of working out seems to be helping right. 

I just want to go back to my life, not this alternative weird place I live in. I want to wake-up, send my kids to school for a bit, run or workout maybe with a friend, take a shower by myself, and be recharged. I was to sit in quiet and not have to yell every five minutes for my four year old to just leave his sister alone and not mess with her. He cannot wrap his head around quiet time and can't even handle it for more than a few minutes. It probably also explains why he possibly can't sleep by himself. How can you teach a kid to play or be by himself? Is that even possible? I want to enjoy my kids, but they make it so hard. I know they are struggling with the last few months, but nothing ever seems to be good enough for them. Maybe that says more about my parenting than anything, but it's frustrating. 

I want to see my friends and have them want to see me without being afraid. I'm still my normal self despite the Rona. I want them to want their kids to play with others. My kids miss people. I'm tired of being the only people my kids get on a regular basis. Is anyone else worried about how this whole mess we are in is going to affect our kids. Does anyone else not see the social and mental implications this is going to have? I feel like I see these things clearly, but nobody else does. I'm trying to remember that I won't get this time back with my kids, but it's still so overwhelming to be everything for them.

I want my regular life and summer back. I want to enjoy this one life we have to live and not be fearful of some disease that we may or may not get. I feel like I need to put this out there because I feel like others feel this, but are afraid to go against the grain. Doesn't anyone else wish for our carefree, fun summer back? 

If anyone actually read my rambling, thank you. I'm just in a weird place and don't really know how to get myself back out of it this time around. I felt like writing some of these thoughts down might help me. My soul is tired of being everything for everyone with little return. Anyone else just tired? Regular tired or even soul tired? Let me know below.