Motherhood times two

Things have been nuts since my last blog post, which seems forever ago! The holidays have came and went, I left my part-time job, and most importantly we welcomed our son in November. Here's the little T.

He made his big arrival right before Thanksgiving. I was lucky with help from J during November, so I wasn't really on my own for a long period of time until December and now. Adjusting to two has been interesting. I will say it was easier then I thought, but still has it's challenges. I was very stressed out about how to handle two of them all day long by myself, but babywearing has been the answer to that. Most days, T is fine in the swing or bouncer to sleep, but on days he wants to be close, babywearing has been the answer. I was also waiting for L to have a total meltdown to having a brother now, but so far (or maybe not at all) that hasn't happened. She has been totally sweet to him, wanting to help me a ton with him, and just really patient for a three year old. I love the relationship that is forming between them. L has adored him from birth and T is just starting to really notice her these days. He is starting to notice her voice and try to find her when she isn't right up in his face.

As great as the addition to our family has been, it's also been very stressful and eye opening for me. I have felt very overwhelmed and more stressed then normal. I have also realized something about myself, which I keep trying to hide from people because I feel like it makes me a bad mother and person in general. After talking with my counselor she helped me understand that it's totally normal for me to feel the way I do and that not everyone is the same as a parent. I've decided that I wanted to share how I feel with everyone so maybe I can help alleviate some of the stress that other mothers feel.

Here it comes...the big secret.. I hate the newborn stage. There I said it out loud (other then to my friends). I have felt very conflicted about this because I know that I love my kids, but I have trouble with the newborn stage. During this stage they need a lot of holding, loving, and you as the mother especially are basically there lifeline still. I have trouble some days with that because I am not a person that likes to be close others. I also get stressed when I can't figure out what is wrong. It's hard for me to hear crying all the time and not be able to fix the problem. I love to fix problems and find solutions to things so this is hard for my brain to understand. 

I have also felt a lot of guilt for feeling this way because I know so many people who can't have children and I can. I feel like as a mother who can I have children, I should be so happy to have a baby and all that comes with it, but my brain just doesn't work like that.  As much as I love baby cuddles and being close to my children, I still have trouble with it. After many years of therapy I have found that it's partly from my own childhood. When you grow up with parents and family members who are not affectionate that tends to be the reference you have when you become a parent. It's one of the many reasons with L that I always tried to be different then how my childhood was. It's the same way I am with T. Even though I hate the newborn stage, I try my hardest to still nurture my child the way they deserve. I show them affection the way I would have wanted as a child and check my anxiety at the door when dealing with the crying. 

I wanted to write this and share my story because I want other mothers to know that they are not alone. It's okay to hate the newborn stage and still be a fantastic mom. I repeat it's okay! It's taken me some time to understand that and make peace with it. There are some days I feel extremely guilty for feeling that way, but with the help of my counselor I've been able to curb some of that guilt. I've just started focusing more on giving the kids what they need on those guilt feeling days and my brain can understand that. This week for instance, has been rough because both of the kids haven't been feeling well. So we've spent a lot of time cuddling on the couch because they needed some extra love. Today though L is feeling better, but T is not and I have a rough time with that. There is so much I need to do around the house and not enough time in the day to get it done. I've been feeling like everything is piling up and just overwhelmed so the clingyness T is showing is stressing me out today. I've had to take a step back and realize that clearly he doesn't feel good and just needs some extra loving from mama. 

It's hard thing for me to me to understand and process, but I am a work in progress. Today we are spending some much needed time on the couch so the baby can snuggle. I hope that opening up can help some other mama's out if they are feeling the way the same way I am. Know that it's normal to not enjoy all stages of motherhood and that you are not a bad mother because of it. I feel like some people just do better in different stages then others. I know I do much better with the toddler stage then the newborn stage. I like that L can tell me what is wrong, play independently, and just not be as needy as when she was a baby. Enjoy whatever stage your babies are at now. Remember that you won't be in the trenches forever and this to shall pass.

On another note: GO STEELERS!! ;)